the oven of promise

The Nose has returned to pay tribute to one of the finest paeans to the feathered kind ever written in Bollywood, you are my chicken fry with a track off the forthcoming Karzzzz. The song's called Tandoori Nights; it must not be confused with that TV show featuring Saeed Jaffrey and it also holds no water to that Nagesh Kukunoor project called Tandoor that's seemingly stuck in development hell. This is not your average Chicken Tikkarzzzz ladies and gentlemen; this is not a patch in the slightest on the genius of the bejewelled Bappi. This is a predictably nasal earworm boasting nothing special. Sameer's lyrics, however, are quite promising (notice how he uses the title to fill in the creative gaps) right from the intoxicating mukha.Daa riffing in tribute to Anand Bakshi's antics in his collaborations with Viju Shah, even boasting a quote from a soul hit; Does anyone know where that short riff came from? I know I've heard it somewhere but the brain's a-baking right now:

the nose
(tak ta na na na (tandoori nights) * 3) * 2
samaa sharaabii dono jahaa.N sharaabii rut rawaa sharaabii diladaar ve
hawaaa sharaabii terii adaa sharaabii ye fizaa sharaabii diladaar ve

sunidhi
tanhaa tanhaa hai dil, tanha ##tandoori nights##
if loving you is wrong, I dont wanna be right

the nose
rabbaa rabbaa merii jaan jale (jale (jale (jale)))

sunidhi
ta ta na na na (tandoori nights) * 3

the nose
tere bin, tere bin merii jaan jale (jale (jale (jale)))


sunidhi
ta ta na na na (tandoori nights) * 3

both
(ta ta na na na (tandoori nights) * 3) * 2

one man, one take, one stunt

Titus Tinnitus is back. As the Melodious Monty all set to melt the earwax and the Rhinal Romantic all set to breathe new life into allergic clichés, the Nasal Nawab impresses his fans with another stellar achievement: a stupendous display of jumps, kicks and yells (a tribute to the late Bruce Lee, no doubt) for an action sequence -- and in a single take at that.

An audio feed of the event would no doubt have sounded like this: and ... Action!! ... Tish. Tish. Tishuu.N. aa-Tishuu.N. Tishuu.N. ... uu.N uu.N. Tishuu.N. ... and Cut!!.

The bearer of Bollywood Bonanza Blower revealed the secret of his ability to deliver such an efficient single take:

I am a huge movie buff and have grown up watching only movies. I have watched each superstar carefully and every good performer is like a guru to me. They are inspiration to me. So acting comes as naturally to me as music. That is the reason I was comfortable doing those scenes.

And I thought I was comfortable doing those scenes was usually something people tossed out when talking about sequences of on-screen intimacy. I like the implication that an inspiration is enough to fuel excellence. uu.N shaa.nti uu.N.

quad core brain damage

You know there's something eerie in the air when two forthcoming additions to the Bollytrash stockpile of mind-numbing product have so much in common. In one pala.Daa we have, milord, Rakesh Roshan's production Krazzy 4 that has ensured sufficient interest not through its cast roster or script (or what passes off for it), but through the presence of Hrithik Roshan and SRK strutting their stuff in individual item numbers that share the same tune (belted out with aplomb by Vishal Dadlani on one of his increasingly common gun-for-hire assignments) but boast different lyrics (Asif Ali Baig, Javed Akhtar). In the other pala.Daa, your honour, we have Nakabandi Nath himself reprising the role of Monty Oberoi in Satish Kaushik's remake of Subhash Ghai's filch Karz; this film is called Karzzzz (aka Karz4 -- get that, Kar-zee-4). We've already talked about this film before, milord.

Roshan's production is supposedly based on this old Malayalam film called Mukilla Rajyathu. This translates as In the land of the Noseless and is part of a Malayalam saying that goes mukilla rajyathu murimukkan rajavu (apologies for not iTrans-ifying it, milord). That means In the land of the Noseless, the Half-Nosed is King (yes, yes milord, just as they say in English, In the land of the blind, the one-eyed is King). One wonders if the nasal element is a reference to the now de-cap-itated star of the Ghai rip-off. Yes, yes milord, a possible conspiracy theory.

Before we close, your wigness, may we also draw your attention to the poster of this remake, whose USP has been that its star is slated to appear without a cap for 75% of its running time sporting the results of his hair transplant. The poster looks familiar, does it not, your eruditeness? Does the film Walk The Line sound familiar, your astuteness? Perhaps we should consider letting Shepard Fairey know ...

That's all your judiciousness.

zed's dead baby; zed's dead

Farah Khan's moolah-raking Om Shanti Om owes an obvious debt (no pun intended) to Subhash Ghai's Karz. After much ado, the next one in line features He Who Has Deigned To Unleash His Tresses. Astrologically stammering at the tip of a delay pedal, Karzzzz is reportedly going to sport an interesting casting choice. Instead of a see-saw of the Singer of Snotty Song, audiences might now see the mongrel who shot to fame by being the face for the voice of The Nose. Urmila Matondkar will get to bump off Emraan Hashmi; Emraan Hashmi will be reborn as Himesh Reshammiya. Enraptured by the sight of uncapped hair, the audience is slated to shell out rupees, dollars, pounds and more while the tinny sound in the ears refuses to go away.

A fragment of Anand Bakshi's lyric became the title of his grandson's directorial début starring Emraan Hashmi; the film made a star of Hashmi and The Nose's songs became a rage. A couple of years later, one sees more connections. An industry whose product has thrived on narratives built from coincidences owes itself such a rich tapestry. "Vengeance is back" screams the poster. Soon the audience will scream. A star will be reborn.

elsewhere: JR explores one interpretation of the title.