patented circumlocution

Legalspeak has always been a source of much travail and cognitive overload and hence an inevitable target for satire. Sometimes, you don't even need to change anything in what you read to come up with a gem. Think of these examples as excellent uncut diamonds. Like this patent for a Device for providing sanitary covers for toilet seats filed by Japanese inventors (one can argue for either the appropriateness or the irony of the example). The abstract reads:

A device provides a sanitary cover for a toilet seat when a toilet seat cover makes contact with a toilet seat as happens when the toilet seat cover is closed. The device includes a toilet seat cover which holds a plurality of toilet seat sanitary covers, and means for clamping a sanitary cover. The means for clamping are disposed at an end of the toilet seat and clamps a portion of a toilet seat sanitary cover when the toilet seat cover and the toilet seat make contact. The act of closing the toilet seat cover clamps a toilet seat sanitary cover kept inside the toilet seat cover and positions it on the toilet seat..