Saturday, January 24, 2004

plan: zero boost, bad complan {see also: music review}

White Feather Films (the gang of idiots who brought us Kaante) decided to give us yet another dose of brain-dead misogynistic testosterone-heavy flash-bang film footage. The last time around things clicked (despite the generally plagiarised and pedestrian nature of the proceedings) thanks to a great soundtrack and a decent cast (although the women got short shrift that time around as well). This time is a motley crew of mixed proportions. The acting honours are shared by Sanjay Suri and (wish I knew his name) the guy playing Jaggi (also seen in Satya -- kaun bhiikuu? -- and Chhal). And what reward does Suri get for his dedication? A bad wardrobe. What can I say about the rest of the dudes? Dino Morea is a patsy. In bad garb. I'm sure he's gay. Or at least effeminate. And he's better off selling peanuts in Narayan Peth. The only thing good that I could say about him is that he's dedicated in the running chase sequences (see also: Gunaah). And then there's the model/hunk Bikram Saluja (see also: Fiza). Junk I say, junk. Rohit Roy (not to be confused with Ronit Roy from Jaan Tere Naam, Bomb Blast: thanks for the tip D) does well merely in following dance steps. The rest of it (namely the trivial things like dialogue delivery, rendering emotions, offering on-screen chemistry) are given no shrift (perhaps a legacy from TV soaps?). And Mahesh Manjrekar does grave injustice to his front-bench-pleasing turn in Kaante by slamming ham sandwich after ham sandwich at you in his loudest role ever(?) as Sultan.

In the ba.ndii department, Gupta and Co. score aces. They give the woman roles no importance whatsoever. Everyone gets a starring credit although what Rima Sen and Payal Rohatgi (ugh! see also: Patth) and Sameera Reddy (what oh what does she plan to do with her career after such terrible dresses??) end up doing is commonly referred to as a CAMEO (aka Friendly or Special Appearance, depending on kitanaa paisaa khaayaa!). The only dame who gets more screen time is Priyanka Chopra. Now PC is soley in this business for her assets (see also: Andaaz). In this film, she looks like a shrivelled piece of teakwood, and that leaves her stranded in the "what can I offer" department. So she decides to make up for it by competing with the guys for the ham countdown. With her sad outfits, she almost makes it.

The premise (for source information try Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) just in case you were wondering: 4 guys on their way to Bombay for different reasons meet in a train and become friends. A turn of events results in them owing a gambler 7 peTiis. Payback time: a week. In desperation, they execute a plan (yeah, that's the title of the film): kidnapping for ransom. Except the victim of the effort turns out to be Moosa, an Armani-Gucci-Rolex clad don. Guess how long it takes for them to get to this point? The entire first half. And the second half changes plan midway and presents a splendid example of "rukaawaT ke liye khed hai ... please bear with us". All you can do is groan and kiss the carpet (aka ostrich tactics). Nothing can help you here, not the dialogue, not the songs. If you remember the Sanjay Dutt/underworld phone conversations, there are echoes in this film as well. And Suri deserves a special award for giving elephant poop like this his best shot. He deserves better. This derailed bogie in the other hand deserves the null bin.

As penance for having initially melded the Roys (Rohit/Ronit), I offer an interview with Rohit "Plan" Roy that touches on his previous achievements[sic].

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